DepressionIndiaOnline Forums

[Just me]

Let me be the first to start a journal here.

Why A World of My Own? A few reasons...

First, this site is my new world. I was cast out, and I am happy to have the opportunity to create my new world here. Thanks to the DIO team. It has been great for me.

Second, sometimes it feels like I live in a whole different world. My history of severest form of depression ever possible, my BPD, social anxiety, constant crisis, self injury, experiences in emergency and medications.... At lunch, my co-workers talk about fun memories, childhood, their evenings, vacations as kids, what they do with their money. Whatever it is, I never have anything I can safely add to the conversation. Even "What did you do on the weekend?" makes me want to run away. I feel pained and cry from within. We simply don't live in the same world.

And because of that, I keep myself very secluded. My only friends are online. I have an office job that keeps me in my own little office all day long with very minimal contact, and outside the office I don't know anyone at all--AT ALL--except my doctor. My world is very small, and I don't let anyone in. I want to try, I am trying... but will I ever be able to say more than a passing Hi?

So, my goals for... for just this month: To take birth and establish my existence, to give myself a new world, to try to talk to people at work a little, just a little. To try to find some kind of even ground where I can talk without talking about my mental health (or lack therof). To try to say hi to people I recognise in my neigborhood. To try, maybe, to say a word or two more. It may not sound like much, but those are huge goals for me.

And so ends my first journal entry.

nnnnnnnnnn

[Just me]

Insomnia is back full swing. Did it ever really go away? I'm gettng one cold after another because I'm not sleeping and my system is shot. I finally gave in and called the doc this morning. He better call me back soon.

Last night, I was semi asleep but concious of the time passing all friggin night, and that was even with taking extra sleeping tablets at bedtime then more at about 3 am. The night before last I drugged myself, slept three hours, drugged myself, slept three hours, and drugged myself again, the last time getting an amazing 5 hours. If only I had the time to do that every night...... But that was supposed to make up for weeks of no sleep. It didn't.

And because I've been taking more meds than usual in hopes of sleeping for a change, I have this incredible dry mouth going on. I'm drinking gallons of water and it's not helping. I've got a cold. I'm physically miserable. And then there's the whole psychological misery on top of it all...... Oh, blargh.

I'm tired..................